The Truth About My First Ayahuasca Journey

(photos and recording are not allowed during the ceremony, understandably)

This part of the story has been difficult to sit down and write. And I can already tell it's going to be long, but trying to figure out what's important and what's not is part of what is making it difficult, so I'm just going to share everything.

For many many reasons, I am VERY glad I had this experience, no matter how it sounds. I wouldn't trade the lessons, the insight, the guidance I received for anything.

An important question we all must ask ourselves in every moment is, who do I want to be? It's a vast and complicated question, but I want to be a person who is willing to do hard things to arrive at big rewards. A person who is willing to take the steps to learn how to act and choose from a place of faith and love, and never from a place of fear and doubt.

I could never honestly say that this experience was pleasant or enjoyable. Physically, it was hard, painful and challenging. Mentally and spiritually, it was humbling, enlightening and... challenging.

I was by FAR the oldest person there and it was my first time to really feel myself "out of place" because of my age and this youthful journey I'm on. And to feel others seeing me as a motherly or even grandmotherly figure. But that, again, is a different story. It does play into this one though, as the shaman and the organizers likely felt an extra level of protectiveness for me because of it.

As I shared in this post, The Rituals of Ayahuasca, the medicine is offered in 3 servings throughout the night.

As it was my first time, we all approached the first night with caution and I was given a smaller dose for the first drink. I thought that I was being very open and willing to have visions, hear voices, and go on a wonderful journey and see the wonders of the universe. What actually happened is I began to feel very heavy and very sleepy. Also very very sweaty so this may have been the beginning of the purging process.

It was already around midnight by this time and I'm usually asleep by 8, so I was already being challenged, just staying awake. I did my best to stay present and engaged, listening to the chants and songs, being in my body and spirit and seeing what happened. When it came time for the second drink, I felt safe to have the full dose, so I did.

Sometime after that, I can't tell you how long it was, I really needed to go to the bathroom, which was up a steep little path lit by candles. I had to pee, maybe to purge through diarrhea or vomiting? "Purging" through diarrhea, vomiting, sweating, crying... any and all are expected and a part of the ritual. There is a basin beside the bed for vomiting even. A part of the process is ridding your body and energy of everything for a reset, a fresh start.

I was gazing into the fire and felt very woozy. Dizzy like, and heavy and unsteady. I really wanted to go the restroom but I was afraid to stand. And this is where I received my first message. "Ask for help. Trust your fellow human beings. Let go of the fear of being seen as weak. Have the courage to be vulnerable. Let go of the stubborn independence that insists, 'I can do it myself'. Embrace the beauty of leaning into the connection you have with every living being. Surrender to the process and let yourself move through the fear."

And I couldn't do it.

I spent a very long time trying to either have the courage to get up and walk to the bathroom by myself, or to ask my willing and loving helpers for assistance and I wasn't able to do either. I heard and understood the message clearly and still couldn't find the courage to follow through.

The only thing I could do to escape the misery in my body was to go to sleep.

So I did.

And I slept through the third serving of the medicine and woke at the end, in time to share the closing dances and sharing.

I did find the courage to share all about these messages in the group and with the beautiful individuals I interacted with during the day. I had a very honest look at myself and the "false" or at least shallow courage and commitment with which I embarked on this quest. Yes, it takes courage to sell everything and take my body out into the world to explore and experience. But holding myself apart, keeping a wall between myself and the beautiful souls I encounter, keeping myself "safe" by refusing to be vulnerable and accepting help.... well that makes for a superficial experience.

I learned that this quest is about being more than an observer. More than a student, chronicler, documenter. If I am to really learn and grow and be the teacher I know I'm meant to be, these walls have to come down.

I practiced all day on Saturday. I took every opportunity to have intimate and real conversations with my new friends. I resisted the urge to isolate and keep myself apart. I began to understand that a relationship doesn't have to be permanent or long lived to be intimate and special. That it doesn't take a lot of time to form a connection. It just takes trust and willingness. It takes the courage to allow my heart to be seen and known, to abandon any masks or pretenses and simply be. Open, honest, authentic, vulnerable, trusting... truly fearless. Looking into the eyes of my fellow humans and really seeing them. Allowing myself to be really seen. In love. In reverence. Honoring the gift of this connection to one another and to our Creator. We are all one.

Going into the second night, I was a little more prepared, well rested, ready to approach the night with courage and commitment, instead of caution and doubt. I vowed to myself and to my friends that I would ask for help if I needed it. That I would lean fully into the experience without fear. I vowed that I would embrace the messages received and begin (or continue) the work of breaking down my walls, removing the barriers, embracing the wonders being offered to me.

I can't say the second night was more pleasant. I was nauseous after the first drink, but able to walk to the bathroom on my own all through the night, even though that wasn't necessary. There were three beautiful young women who were a part of facilitating the ceremony and one of them was always there, ready to help me whether I needed it or not. So the lesson became accepting what is offered, allowing them to give the love and care that THEY longed to give, without pride or resistance. Another beautiful lesson. A long road before me learning to quiet the toddler's voice in my head that says "I can do it myself!"

After the second drink and before the third, (no idea how long this time was but the sun was up before the third drink) I started to think I would skip the third drink because I really needed to throw up and couldn't. I even tried to make myself (which brought back memories of my drinking days) and couldn't. Then I heard the message that I didn't get to circumvent the process. I didn't get to jump to the end and skip over parts of the journey. No quitting when things got hard. Staying true to my vow to really be IN this experience.

So I had the third drink, finally threw up and felt a little better and was able to enjoy the beauty of the rest of the ceremony. Dances and prayers, celebrations and sharing, taking bits of the altar to offer to the river in prayer and ritual. All so beautiful and detailed in The Rituals of Ayahuasca.

For several days after, my whole digestive system felt "changed" somehow. I continued to purge through diarrhea and sweating for three more days, felt tired and needed a lot of rest for 4 more days. And it took 7 days to be able to really share about the experience in this post.

If you're wondering if this is an experience that you would like to have, I invite you to just gently plant the question in your heart and present it to the Universe. When and if the time and place are right, expect things to evolve naturally and easily as they did for me. Stop frequently and check in with yourself. See if you are "forcing" or managing things to "make" things happen. I have found that when I am in alignment with my highest self, with spirit and trusting that everything is working out perfectly for me, then opportunities and situations naturally arrive. With grace, ease and beauty. Our only work is to be paying attention, being aware, tuned into our instincts and intuition and acting when we feel that inward nudge.

Remembering that you can't get it wrong.

Join me for our twice monthly gatherings, on the new moon and the full moon to ask any question you like about this quest. Each gathering for Journey of the Soul Discussion, Meditation and Ritual has a specific theme and I'll send an email in advance to let you know what it is. I would love to get to spend this time with you!

I am forming a community that will give us the opportunity to explore this and all of our questions, and to bond with each other in a small intimate setting. Feel free to email me directly at lauren@laurengfoster.com to learn about this, or sign up for the email list to stay in the loop as this concept evolves.

I love you. Many blessings.